Michael

The strangest thing did occur

I am here, I guess writing words about my new adventure. Though an adventure taken previously there was a time when the want to make movies, films, whatever you wish to call them, was not even smouldering embers in my belly. The fire was gone and something else took its place. To this day, well perhaps just prior to this day I never really knew what was draining that enthusiasm away.

Once upon a time, when I first started writing and directed my first short. I knew, without hesitation, what I wanted to do. And like anyone, the passion for things can wane slightly but I always had a way to get myself back into the swing of things, fan the flames, since nothing had ever extinguished. But these last few years, I would say that I didn't want to do it. I still loved films, watching them, watching their making and so on, but the passion for me to push myself to do my next project was gone.

I couldn't remember what made it go, nor could I work out HOW to get it back. I was lost and really didn't know which way to turn to even start finding a way out. In the last few years many could say that I have had a lot happen to me, personally, which would be an obvious distraction. I met a wonderful lady, whom I married 2 years later. I could say 9 months later I am experiencing something entirely new, the birth of my first child, a son, Elliott. So one could say these, personal events would be enough to distract me from seeing my goals. But these weren't. Though the time I had to devote to my pursuing these goals had diminished substantially, I would say that ever more wanting to make myself happy in work now that my personal life was sorted was my next target, and deep down I knew that film is where I wanted to be.

So what was this changing moment, what defined the end of before and is allowing the fires to begin burning again. Well, I would say, that yesterday, 30 June 2009 I found out definitively that a "friend" will no longer talk to me. This person, whom I won't go into too much detail about, was a constant distraction for me, and a distraction in a very good way, since I did value their friendship and their opinions, we had a long a sordid past together (long before I met my wife) and she longed for the times of old, I had moved on, though not wanting to throw everything we had away. But yesterday was that moment, I simply said a polite hello, and the response I got back made me realise that this was it for our "friendship". Though "friends" we will remain, I won't be talking to her in any way, shape or form from this point forward.

I was then there, transferring some data to my PSP to watch in bed, and I felt, a small fire in my belly. Something is growing and I know, that this passion that has been missing for many a year is back. Not completely as I am sure it will return as strong as ever, maybe even stronger, but for now, I am glad that inside me, I know that I know what it is I want to do and where I want to go.

I am glad that I have my passion back for making films, but in someway I am also glad to know what it was. For had it returned without anything specific changing then I possibly might have dwelled on reasons why it went in the first place. But knowing what it is, I know to avoid her again, and I know simply that back then we weren't good for each other, and despite there being nothing like there was, we still aren't good for each other now.

I will be blogging more about this push back into directing as I have planned to direct a short film to get back on set and get things moving so I can then get to work on my feature film debut.

June 30, 2009 6:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Add Comment