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What's wrong with this logline?
Jane aborts her child at the urging of her overly possesive mother but it doesn't take long for her to realize that the ghost of her aborted child is living with her; and it's got a message.
I like it.
But there should be something wrong with it.
Punctuation for one. Second, what consequences are there if this 'message' isn't dealt with as the ghost would like?
alex
www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
What's wrong with this logline, is that it isn't really a logline. But you can turn it into an effective one with some work.
Rather than saying Jane (which means nothing to the reader) use an adjective and a noun that describe the protagonist. Try to choose words that are very specific, and give a sense of who this character is, and if possible something fresh or different about them. "young woman" is generic. "bulemic vampire" is specific and unique.
It's also a bit clunky and you are wasting precious word count with phrases like "but it doesn't take long for her"
The end part of this "and it's got a message" is more like an advertising tagline than a logline. Be more specific about what the message or threat is. Don't be obtuse. If this is a film about a woman who is haunted by the child she aborted, say it (in an interesting way) and if possible give us a sense of the effect or stakes for your protagonist as well.
Personally I'd think twice about using the phrase "aborted child" or aborts her child, it might be off-putting to those who are pro choice. There are many other ways to phrase it i.e. "After getting an abortion at the urging of her overly possessive mother, a (noun, verb) is...
Sounds like a solid concept, but you are not giving enough information to hook as effectively as you could and should.
Best of luck.
It's not a bad start, that's for sure. But what I suggest every logline have is irony. You can establish that by giving your character their flaw right off the top -- an insecure housewife, a pride filled rancher, etc. You get the point. The second half of the logline should capitalize on that flaw. It makes for a compelling image because it holds the promise of conflict.
Thank you. I knew something was wrong. I'll re-do and see what it becomes.
'Shortly after getting an abortion at the urging of her overly possesive mother, a cowered daughter must come to grips with her hallucinations of a gruesome abode, the dwelling place of the soul of her vengeful child.'
I believe it's getting creamier but there's still something wrong with it.
Hi Chidi - I actually think this version is a bit muddy as opposed to creamy, but don't fret. Crafting a logline takes time, effort and numerous tries - sometimes dozens, sometimes hundreds - to get it perfect. It's your most important marketing tool so it's worth the time and effort to get it right.
I don't think you need the word shortly, I don't like "Cowered daughter" you've already made it clear that her mother pushes her to get an abortion so daughter is redundant, and cowered is just... wrong. You don't need to go into the details of her hallucinations - i.e. a grusome abode that's the dwelling place...
Here's a link to what I think is one of the best artilces on loglines I've come across.
http://twoadverbs.web.aplus.net/loglinearticle.htm
Keep it simple as possible for the reader.
Laura, this might be my best discussion of the month. I read the article but would definitely read again. It's funny how this that should be so simply appears to be the opposite. If I am to rewrite now then I believe that I should have three main points that would read as...
(1)After getting an abortion at the urging of her overly possesive mother, (2)a guilt-racked housewife struggles to regain the peace lost in her life (3)that is tormented by bizarre hallucinations.
In the second part of it, does the word, 'housewife' create complexities?
Can the third part be seen as 'giving away too much'? or just an unnecessary phrase?
tvwriter.com occasionally has a "tweet a logline" competition through it's message boards / twitter. I don't know much about it, but that might be a place to submit your logline to, just for fun.
Thank you.
Probably my question is: What is the message of ghost of the baby? What will this message teach the protagonist?
If it is a Hong Kong movie, it will be a horror movie.
(In the Buddhist idology, those aborted babies became ghost. Some people, mostly those in crime organization or doing illegal business will buy the "ghost" to protect them.)
Please throw more light on this...
(In the Buddist idology, those aborted babies became ghost. Some people, mostly those in crime organization or doing illegal business will buy the "ghost" to protect them.)
'Cowered daughter' betrays an incomplete understanding of English. It could be 'cowering daughter' or 'cowed daughter' but even they seem a bit clunky. I'd suggest you do a lot of prose writing to develop a more fluid use of the language. Although highly developed literacy isn't a prerequisite in Hollywood, it can be useful.
Laura's advice is very potent and right on the mark. But let me reiterate some of the points with different words so that hopefully it can help you construct your log line so that you can generate interest by producers in your project.
The who, what, where, when, why are questions that will run through anybody's mind when hearing or reading any log line. Address them. With brevity, the principal character needs to be clearly defined. For the protagonist, what type of character is she? What does she value? With the correct diction, you won't have to literally spell it out, but it will come across through connotation. For example, the daughter got an abortion because of her mother's influence. It implies she is family oriented as she values what her mother thinks, yet the paradox is if she values family... why have an abortion? This is interesting because it is charged with tension from interpersonal relationships as the characters pursue their objectives with the other characters' actions becoming obstacles to achieve that goal. But the character's goal can't be defined until you've defined what they value (or learned to value as the plot progresses). We need to know from the log line where the dramatic tension lies within this project and what their opposition is.
"Bizarre hallucinations" is redundant. Whether the wife has a chemical imbalance (scitzo) or on magic mushrooms, hallucinations are bizarre in general by society's standard. Essentially, "and it's [SIC] got a message," is way too vague. Let's not confuse being vague with ambiguity. If a writer is too vague, the audience will not know the correct intent because important details are left out or unclear. Ambiguity is good, esp. in log lines as the objective of the log line is to entice and generate interest to know more so that later they will pick up your project. If constructed well, the multiple interpretations that all work at the same time will create ambiguity. This is the stuff that will get people to talk about the film, even after they seen it, and will continue to create buzz through word of mouth. If the writing is unclear, the actors won't know how to portray the character and the director will not know how to establish the world view and illustrate the various beats. Ultimately, the construction should make sure the other people working on the project and audiences don't misinterpret your intent while maintaining brevity.
As Laura pointed out that the part, "Jane aborts her child at the urging of her overly possesive [SIC] mother...," doesn't do much; I second that notion. With this diction I still do not know who Jane is. I got the notion that Jane was younger because she is not independent; her decisions are made for her instead of her making it for herself. This touches upon Anthony's advice with character flaws. "Housewife" is a step in the right direction to clearly define the protagonist and it does create some complexities because if she listens to her mother to get that abortion, how does her husband feel about that? After all, it says a lot about the couple's dichotomy as it's his kid too, but his opinion was superseded by Jane's mother. This would piss him off. Again you shouldn't spell it out but rather imply it, because it's just a log line and people will read into your words.
The last advice I have for you is that the log line needs to clearly define what genre the film would be categorized as. This is a question all producers will have as they evaluated the marketability to determine if your project is worth their investment of time, capital, and reputation. I sort of know, but not really because I can only infer with guesses. "It's a Wonderful Life," "Scary Movie," and "Thirteen Ghost" all have apparitions, but they are all different genres. Signifying the genre will help the how the project will convey "that" message you intend to portray without giving too much away.