The Death of Narrative Cinema

(This post originally appeared on the CopyWrite blog)

We can all name the worst films currently in distribution, but why do we keep rewarding them with box office success?

“Meet the Spartans” topped the box office around the world, despite every review decrying it as a serious misuse of celluloid. British film critic Mark Kermode blasted the film with one of his most vitriolic rants after summing up his feelings by banging his head repeatedly against the desk. (Listen to the podcast. Everyone should subscribe. Now.) Although he didn’t apply to the film his famous catchcry that forms the title of this post, his inability to comprehend how it entered the UK box office at #1 deeply pained him.

Empire magazine gave it a woeful one star. IGN awarded the film only half the Empire score, continuing to say how they were “flabbergasted that a studio probably passed on making so many other more worthy projects instead”.

If a film is so universally reviled, so barren of creativity, so lacking in any redeeming features, how does it top the box office in most international territories and make a profit that guarantees we’ll see more of the same?

Flash in the Pan Distribution

The studios know which films are terrible and which will continue to be revered years from now. “Meet the Spartans” is unlikely to get a tenth anniversary special edition DVD in 2018. Records show that in most territories, it plummeted from the #1 spot after the first week. Within a month it had left the top ten in many territories, demonstrating the poor word of mouth.

But the damage has already been done.

Because the studios recognised “Meet the Spartans” as a poor, disposable, mayfly of a film, the entire marketing strategy was geared to generating a return on investment on the opening weekend. This meant saturating as many screens as possible, coupled with a huge marketing push for the opening weekend. It is a strategy designed to reap the majority of the financial return in three days. Once the studio has recouped the budget, the reviews, word of mouth and DVD sales no longer matter.

This is a major difference to how more ‘worthy’ films are marketed. In Australia, “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” was shown on only 35 screens nationwide. Word of mouth would keep the film on those screens for longer and would allow for the film to move around the country in a staggered release, unafraid of critics and public feedback. “Jesse James” will also do well on DVD, especially after Oscar nominations have given the film a second burst of life.

Studios know which films can benefit from a soft release with a smaller marketing budget and fewer prints produced, and which need to be hammered through the multiplexes as quickly as possible.

The Unfunny Comedy

Another criticism levelled at “Meet the Spartans” was that it just wasn’t funny. Tired old jokes, predictable yet drawn out set-ups and clichéd, uninspired parody often characterise these cheap grabs for money by the Hollywood studios. After all, “Meet the Spartans” is just the latest in a line of spoof comedies that merely trade on the success of other film properties. The “Scary Movie” series, “Date Movie”, “Epic Movie”, the forthcoming “Superhero Movie” (you beginning to see a pattern here?); all of them use cultural familiarity as their core conceit.

It might be harsh and elitist to criticise the audiences that support such films as ignorant of true comedy or unwilling to be challenged. But the attractiveness to some people is that films like these clearly signpost their humour by using familiar situations. A viewer laughs at a scene because they recognise the reference, comforted that they are ‘in’ on the joke.

There is no challenge in this form of humour. In fact, this type of film attempts to tell the audience what they should find funny, forcing the joke, rather than playing with creativity in search of something fresh. Some audience members are comforted by this method, not needing to think too hard about what they are watching.

Don’t Encourage Them!

The studios know these films are not works of art. They understand the critics will pan them and most of the audience will be disappointed by the experience. But there is no satisfaction guarantee with film. We’ve all shelled out money for turkeys in our time. But certain films play on this money up front relationship.

“Norbit” may have pushed Eddie Murphy’s career back ten years and cost him an Oscar, but the studio got the money it needed to justify producing whatever horrible bit of fat suit inanity Murphy comes up with next.

The only way to stop this cycle is not to go. Fight your curiosity. Refuse to take your girlfriend. Punish the kids for even suggesting it. Stand in your box office queue and promise to nipple-cripple anyone who checks the screening times for these films.

The box office drives Hollywood and as long as these films can recoup their budget in an opening weekend surge, we will be plagued with films that offend our movie-going sensibilities.

Say no to spoofs!