COPS on Sesame St.

“COPS” on Sesame Street

START WITH COPS MUSIC INTRO “BAD BOYS” SONG

CUT TO AN OFFICER DRIVING ALONG IN HIS POLICE CAR

7.58 PM WEST SESAME STREET

COP:
Hello boys and girls, my name is Officer Daniels. I’ve been on the Hensonville police department going on five years now. It’s a tough job, but at the end of the day it’s nice to know that you’ve made a difference in the world. Even if it’s just by one Muppet at a time.

CAMERAMAN:
Is it really a tough job patrolling Sesame St.?

DANIELS:
Oh yeah. It may be a beautiful day in the neighborhood but at night is when all hell breaks loose. Especially downtown.

POLICE RADIO:
Attention all units! We got a call of domestic violence at the residence of 218 W. Sesame Street apartment 6a, please respond over.

DANIELS:
This is car 54 responding.

POLICE RADIO:
Roger that 54, over and out.

THE CAMERAMAN FOLLOWS OFFICER DANIELS DOWN THE HALLWAY OF AN UPSCALE APARTMENT BUILDING. OFFICER DANIELS STOPS IN FRONT OF APT. 6A.

DANIELS:
You know, many people seem to think that Bert and Ernie are the resident gay couple on Sesame Street. But in life just as in police work, looks can be deceiving.

OFFICER DANIELS KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

DANIELS:
Hensonville police, open up!

THE DOOR OPENS UP AND THE SCIENTIST FROM THE MUPPET SHOW IS STANDING THERE IN A WHITE WIFEBEATER. BEEKER, HIS ASSISTANT, IS IN THE BACKGROUND SHAKING AND SNIVELING. OFFICER DANIELS NOTICES BEEKER HAS A BLACK EYE.

SCIENTIST:
What seems to be the problem officer?

DANIELS:
We received a call about a domestic violence situation to this address. Would you know anything about that?

SCIENTIST:
No, nothing at all officer. How about you Beeker?

BEEKER SHAKES HIS HEAD NO

DANIELS:
(To Beeker) Are you ok back there sir? Do you need some sort of assistance?

BEEKER:
(Shaking his head) Me me me. Me me me me me me me.

DANIELS:
Are you sure?

BEEKER:
(Nodding his head) Me me.

DANIELS:
All right then. I guess I’ll be on my way. You gentlemen try to have a pleasant evening.

SCIENTIST:
Oh we will officer. Don’t you worry about that.

THE SCIENTIST VIOLENTLY SLAMS THE DOOR CLOSED

DANIELS:
Sometimes all you can do is offer your help. If they don’t want it then there’s really nothing you could do. (Shaking his head) Pity.

CUT TO ANOTHER COP DRIVING ALONG IN HIS POLICE CAR

8.25 PM MIDTOWN

OFFICER SMITH:
We’re responding to a call about the possible location of an underground boxing club that we’ve been trying to locate over the last 6 months. We got a tip from one of our snitches that the club would be meeting tonight in the basement under Hooper’s store. We’re going to be joined by the Hensonville S.W.A.T. Team at the location.

CUT TO A DIMLY LIT BASEMENT. MUPPETS OF ALL SIZES AND COLORS ARE GATHERED IN A CIRCLE WHILE THE COUNT AND GROVER FIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

THE COUNT IS SMASHING GROVER’S FACE AGAINST THE CONCRETE.

THE COUNT:
One face smash, ah, ah, ah. Two face smashes, ah, ah, ah. Three face smashes, ah, ah, ahhhh!

GROVER TAPS OUT

A SHIRTLESS AND MUSCLE RIPPED ELMO BREAKS THEM UP AND HELPS GROVER TO HIS FEET. GROVER HAS A RIP IN IS HEAD THAT HAS STUFFING STICKING OUT FROM IT.

ELMO:
Good fight you two. Grover, get over to The Grouch for some stitches. (Addressing the crowd) Listen up! Elmo’s got something he wants to say. Elmo sees a lot of new faces here tonight which means a lot of you have been breaking the first two rules of Elmo’s Fight Club…

(SMASH) S.W.A.T. TEAM KICKS IN THE BASEMENT DOOR AND FILE INTO THE ROOM

SMITH:
Nobody move! You’re all under arrest!

ELMO:
Golly gee officers, thank god you are here.

SMITH:
Can it Elmo! You’re not gonna sweet talk your way out of this one. You’re going away for a long, long time. Take him away boys.

THE S.W.A.T. TEAM ROUNDS UP ALL THE MONSTERS AND LEADS THEM OUT. AS THEY LEAD ELMO AWAY HE SHOUTS TO OFFICER SMITH

ELMO:
That’s ok, I’ll be out on the street in an hour! And when I am, you’re dead! You hear me? Dead!!

SMITH:
What a shame. It’s never pretty to watch someone fall so far so fast. Let’s just hope he gets the help he needs.

CUT TO AN OFFICER WALKING THROUGH A PARK

10.44 FELATIO PARK

OFFICER JONES:
Tonight we’re on foot patrol here in Felatio Park. This is a popular hangout spot for young lovers who want to be alone. It’s usually pretty quite here and we pretty much leave the kids alone. But when someone, usually an older person, calls to complain then we step in and break things up.

OFFICER JONES APPROACHES A CAR WHERE A MAN IS SITTING IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT WHILE A FUZZY BLUE HEAD BOBS UP AND DOWN IN HIS LAP.

JONES:
(Tapping on the window) What’s going on in there?

THE MONSTER LEAPS OFF OF THE MAN AND THE MAN PUTS HIS JUNK AWAY

JONES:
Roll your window down please, sir.

THE MAN ROLLS DOWN HIS WINDOW AND THE OFFICER LOOKS IN

JONES:
Oh it’s you. Step out of the car please sir.

THE BLUE MONSTER GETS OUT AND THE OFFICER WALKS AROUND THE CAR TO HIM

JONES:
I thought I told you to stay clear of this place, Crack Monster. What are you doing, giving blowjobs for crack again?

CRACK MONSTER:
Crack, crack, must have crack!

JONES:
Why can’t you be more like your brother, Cookie?

CRACK MONSTER:
It’s not my fault! I was made this way! Crack, crack, give me crack!!

JONES:
This is your last warning Cracky. If I see you here again I WILL arrest you. Understand?

CRACK MONSTER NODS HIS HEAD

JONES:
All right, now beat it. (To the man) you too sir. Don’t let me catch you here again.

MAN:
You won’t officer.

THE MAN DRIVES AWAY

CUT TO OFFICER JONES WALKING TOWARD A RED CONVERTIBLE WITH THE TOP DOWN

JONES:
There seems to be a lot of raucous coming from this car, so I’m gonna check it out.

OFFICER JONES WALKS UP TO THE CAR AND IN THE BACKSEAT HE SPYS A COUPLE OF MUPPETS IN THE MISSIONARY POSITION. A PAIR OF PINK MUPPET LEGS AND HOVES UP IN THE AIR AND THE BACK SIDE OF A GREEN MUPPET HUMPING AWAY.

KERMIT:
Yeah, you like that don’t ya pig? Huh? Piggy like?

MS. PIGGY:
Oh yes Kermy, yes! Piggy like!

KERMIT:
Yeah, take that pig! Let me hear ya squeal pig! Squeal for me piggy!

MS. PIGGY:
Oh Kermy! Oh Kermy, I’m gonna…I’m gonna…SQUEEEEEEEAAALLL! SQUEEEEEAAALLL!!! SNORT, SNORT, SQUEEEEEAAALLL!!!!

KERMIT’S BODY FALLS LIMP ON TOP OF MS. PIGGY.

OFFICER JONES TAPS ON THE CAR

JONES:
Ok you two, party’s over. Get yourselves together and get going.

OFFICER JONES WALKS AWAY FROM THE SCENE

JONES:
Protocol dictates that we should break up the lude act as soon as we discover it, but we’ve learned the hard way not to disrupt Ms. Piggy while in the middle of doing her thing. Her wicked kung fu moves have put many a officer in the hospital. That was the reasoning behind waiting till they were finished. That, plus I kinda get off on watching. You’re gonna edit that last part out right? (The camera nods yes) Good.

ROLL END CREDITS AND SONG FOR COPS