God is a bad parent

A FATHER IS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE DRINKING COFFEE AND READING THE NEWSPAPER WHEN HIS SON RUNS IN.

FREDRICK
Dad, dad!

LARS
Yes, son?

FREDRICK
Can I get a PSP?

LARS
What’s a PSP?

FREDRICK
A Playstation Portable. It plays music, movies and games!

LARS
Don’t you already have a Gameboy Advance?

FREDRICK
Yea but that sucks!

LARS
Sorry son but we just can’t afford it right now. You’ll just have to make do with what you have.

FREDRICK
I hate you! You suck!!

FREDRICK STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM SCREAMING. CUT TO NIGHT TIME AS LARS IS KNEELING AT HIS BEDSIDE PRAYING.

LARS
Dear God, please help me with my son Fredrick. I try to be a good father but he always flies off the handle and really seems to dislike me. What should I do? Amen.

CUT TO LARS SLEEPING IN HIS BED WHEN A SOFT LIGHT SLOWLY FADES IN UNTIL IT BECOMES SUPER INTENSE. IT IS SHINNING RIGHT ON LARS.

GOD
Psst. Psst! Psssst!!!

THE BED SHAKES VIOLENTLY AND LARS AWAKES

LARS
(Shielding his eyes) Jesus Christ!!

GOD
No it’s me…God.
LARS
God?

GOD
Yea, you know. The Supreme Being, The Almighty, The guy upstairs.

LARS LOOKS AT HIS ALARM CLOCK, IT READS 2:00.

LARS
It’s 2 a.m. What are you doing here? Did you come to give me some tips with my son?

GOD
Yea here’s a tip. STOP ASKING ME! I mean shit man.

LARS
Hey, you can’t swear.

GOD
Oh yea? HELL, SHIT, DAMN! What are you going to do about it?

LARS
Did you go through all the trouble of appearing before me and waking me up just to cuss me out?

GOD
Well…not JUST to cuss you out. I want to tell you to stop asking me for parenting advice. You think you have problems? Jesus hasn’t listened to me for over 2000 years. All I want is a little respect, and for him to get a hair cut and to put some pants on. Is that too much to ask for?

LARS
It’s not easy being a single parent.

GOD
You got that right brother.

LARS
Maybe he’s just upset over the whole “crucifixion” thing.

GOD
Hey, I would’ve stopped it if I could, but I couldn’t.

LARS
But your god.

GOD
That’s what he always says. But it had to be done. For the good of mankind.

LARS
(Under his breath) lot of good that did.

GOD
What!?

LARS
Umm, have you tried to do something nice for him?

GOD
I made him the freaking messiah. He’s worshipped by millions. What more does he want from me?

LARS
I don’t know, have you tried apologizing?

HARP MUSIC PLAYS AND THE LIGHT GETS A LITTLE BRIGHTER.

GOD
I’ll be right back.

THE LIGHTS DIM OUT

LARS OPENS THE NIGHT STAND NEXT TO HIS BED, PULLS OUT HIS BAG OF HASH AND THROWS IT IN THE WASTE BASKET. LARS LIES DOWN AGAIN. JUST AS HE GETS COMFORTABLE THE LIGHT SHINES ON HIM AGAIN.

LARS
God damn it!

GOD
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that

LARS
Sorry. So how did it go?

GOD
Great! He actually hugged me!

LARS
Is he going to cut his hair?

GOD
One thing at a time Lars, the universe wasn’t built in a day.

THEY SHARE A CHUCKLE

GOD
But seriously. I just wanted to thank you.

LARS
It was nothin’.

GOD
No, no I insist. Here.

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN APPEARS IN THE BED NEXT TO LARS

LARS
Who is this?

GOD
Your new wife. She is beautiful. She can cook and clean. She never refuses sex. And best of all…she’s a mute.

LARS
She’s perfect.

GOD
Damn straight. I’m God. What did you expect? Good-bye Lars (Fading out with the light) Oooooooooooo.

END OF SKETCH