Yoda on Inside The Actors' Studio

JAMES LIPTON:
Hello and welcome to Inside The Actors’ Studio, I’m James Lipton. Today I’ll be talking with a very unique individual. He’s starred in 5 of the 6 Star Wars movies and is easily one of the most recognizable faces on the planet. His real name is Abraham Swartz, but you and I know him as Jedi Master Yoda. (Turning to Yoda) Welcome to the show Mr. Swartz.

YODA:
Thank you. A pleasure to be here it is.

JAMES:
Mr. Swartz, we of course know you as Yoda, but that is really all we know. So why not tell our audience a little about yourself. Give us a little history lesson if you could.

YODA:
Of course James. Well like you said earlier, Abraham Swartz my name is. 250 years old I am. Although been told have I that between 20 and 1000 years old I can play. Began acting at the tender age of 60 I did. Strictly theater in those days it was James. Not until The Empire Strikes back, the move to cinema did I make.

JAMES:
But you tried for many years before that to break into cinema is that right?

YODA:
Yes, yes. Over 5000 auditions went on I did. Catch a break I could not.

JAMES:
5000 auditions? Wow, that is staggering amount.

YODA:
Yes, but remember you must, since the days of the silent pictures trying I have been. But yes, many rejections my heart has endured. Both before and after Star Wars.

JAMES:
How so?

YODA:
Before Star Wars unknown and unproven was I. After Star Wars, type cast I became.

JAMES:
It just so happens that we have some of your old screen tests from your days before and also after Star Wars. Do you mind if we take a look?

YODA:
Not at all do I.

CUT TO SCREEN TEST WHERE YODA IS DRESSED LIKE CLARK GABLE IN GONE WITH THE WIND

YODA:
Frankly Scarlett, give a damn I do not.

CASTING DIRECTOR:
Thank you! Next!

SCREEN TEST #2: YODA IS DRESSED LIKE ROBERT DENIRO IN TAXI DRIVER

YODA:
Talking to me are you? Talking to me are you?

C.D.
Thank you, next!

SCREEN TEST #3: YODA IS DRESSED LIKE THE LITTLE GIRL FROM POLTERGIEST, COMPLETE WITH A LONG BLOND WIG

YODA:
Here they are.

C.D.
No, no, no, it’s “They’re heere”. It’s supposed to be eerie and scary. Try again.

YODA:
Heeeere theey arrre.

C.D.
Next!!

SCREEN TEST #4: YODA IS DRESSED LIKE INDIANA JONES. BEFORE HE EVEN SPEAKS THE CASTING DIRECTOR SHOUTS “NEXT!”

SCREEN TEST #5: YODA IS DRESSED LIKE PATRICK SWAYZE FROM DIRTY DANCING

YODA:
Baby in the corner, no one puts!

C.D.
Next!

YODA
Failed my agent I have. Into exile I must go.

JAMES:
Wow, I can’t believe you didn’t get any of those parts. I thought you were fantastic.

YODA:
Thank you for your kind words.

JAMES:
It must have been extremely difficult for you at times. Going through so much rejection. How did you deal with it all?

YODA:
Drugs. Drugs and dime store hookers.

JAMES:
Absolutely fascinating. (Into the camera) we’ll be right back with more Abraham Swartz after these commercial messages.

END OF SKETCH