On a quest

The Pornographic Justice League ep 7

ANNOUNCER:
On an all new adventure of THE PORNOGRAPHIC JUSTICE LEAGUE, our sexy group of super friends battle head to head with the fiendishly clever French Tickler. So don't make a move and enjoy the next episode of...THE PORNOGRAPHIC JUSTICE LEAGUE!

EXT. PARKING LOT OF THE PORNO PROP SHOP, DAY

BOB JONES AKA THE FLASHER IS ON HIS WAY INTO THE PORNO PROP SHOP WHEN HE HEARS A DISTURBANCE COMING FROM THE JEWLERY STORE NEXT DOOR. HE PEEKS INSIDE THE WINDOW AND SEES A MAN ROBBING THE PLACE.
BOB SPINS AROUND AND IN A BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT HE BECOMES THE FLASHER.
THE FLASHER BURSTS IN THE JEWLERY STORE DOOR.

THE FLASHER:
Not so fast! Put down the jewels and come quietly.

FRENCH TICKLER:
(Turning around) The French don't know the meaning of the word “cum quietly”

FLASHER:
Then prepare to be dealt with. Pornographic Justice Style!

THE FLASHER PULLS OUT HIS GLOWING DILDO LIGHT SABER AND JUMPS INTO ACTION.
THE FRENCH TICKLER TAKES OFF HIS CAPE AND THROWS IT OVER THE HEAD OF THE FLASHER.
THEN AS THE FLASHER STRUGGLES TO REMOVE THE CAPE THE TICKLER DOES A JUMP KICK AND SPINS IN A CORKSCREW MOTION.
THE KICK CONECTS WITH FLASHER JUST AS HE REMOVES THE CAPE.

FRENCH TICKLER:
Corkscrew!

FLASHER FLIES BACKWARDS ON HIS BACK, DOES A BACKWARDS SUMMERSALT BACK ONTO HIS FEET.

FLASHER:
Tricky, but you'll need more than tricks to win this battle.

THE FLASHER JUMPS INTO ACTION AGAIN AND THE TWO ENGAGE IN A FIST FIGHT. THEY BATTLE BACK AND FORTH AND THEN THE TICKLER LANDS A STRONG BLOW TO THE BACK OF THE FLASHER'S HEAD.

FRENCH TICKLER:
Donkey punch!

THE FLASHER FALLS FORWARD FACE FIRST TO THE GROUND AND LAYS THERE DAZED.
THE FRENCH TICKLER PICKS UP HIS SACK FULL OF JEWELERY AND RUNS OUT OF THE STORE.
THE STORE CLERK HELPS THE FLASHER TO HIS FEET.

CLERK:
Are you alright Mr. Flasher? How is your head? You took a pretty nasty blow.

FLASHER:
My head hurts, but what puzzles me is the fact that my anus is clenched close.
Did he give you a name?

CLERK:
He called himself The French Tickler. He came in and jumped over the counter and before I knew what was happening he started to tickle me. I blacked out and came to just before you entered.

FLASHER:
Looks like we got ourselves another nut on the loose. Call the police and tell them what happened. I need to get back to the lair.

THE FLASHER RUNS OUT OF THE STORE.

ANNOUNCER:
The French Tickler may have won this round, but rest assure the foreplay has just begun. And no one is better at foreplay than...THE PORNOGRAPHIC JUSTICE LEAGUE! So tune in next week when our heroes cum face to face with the sexual position fighting style of The French Tickler. Same Pornographic time. Same pornographic channel! Only on Skinamax!

06/19/08

July 11, 2008 10:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Add Comment

EMBARASSING MOMENTS IN HISTORY

ANNOUNCER:
The following tale is based on a true story. Only the names have been changed.

WOMAN:
(To camera) I was out one night with some friends, having a few drinks you know, just having a good time. Then I saw him…

MAN:
(To camera) I was out with some buddies of mine, getting hammered and shit, you know having a typical Friday night, and then I saw her. She was beautiful, but like I said, I was hammered, so I asked my buddy John if he thought she was hot or was it just the beer goggles.

JOHN:
(Drunk and slurring) I’d do ‘er!

MAN:
That was all I needed to hear. So I made my move…

MAN WALKS OVER TO WOMAN…

MAN:
Sup?

WOMAN:
Not much. Sup with you?

MAN:
Nothin’. Can I buy you a beer?

WOMAN:
Ok.

THE TWO SPENT THE NIGHT SITTING AT THE BAR TALKING AND DRINKING, FLIRTING AND CHECKING EACH OTHER OUT.

BARTENDER:
Last call for alcohol!!

MAN:
Whadaya say we go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?

WOMAN:
Nope.

MAN:
What’s the matter, you don’t like pizza?

THE WOMAN GIGGLES
WOMAN:
I was just playing hard to get. Let’s go.

MAN AND WOMAN LEAVE THE BAR TOGETHER AND WALK TO MAN’S HOUSE.
THEY HAVE AN AMAZING NIGHT OF PASSIONATE SEX.

MORNING:
WOMAN WAKES UP AND TRIES TO CUDDLE WITH MAN

WOMAN:
Good morning tiger. You got any aspirin?

MAN:
In the medicine cabinet, feel free to let yourself out.

WOMAN:
(To camera) I was stunned. We had an amazing night and I was sure it wouldn’t be just a one night stand. But I took it like an adult, got up and got dressed.

THE WOMAN GETS DRESSED AND MAKES HER WAY TO THE BATHROOM. SHE OPENS THE MEDICINE CABINET AND TAKES A FEW ASPIREN. HE THEN USES THE TOILET.

WOMAN:
(To camera) That’s when disaster struck. I flushed the toilet but the massive load I left behind would not go down. I didn’t know what to do, I panicked. So went down to the kitchen, found a plastic bag and then scooped out the poop. Tied the bag closed and went back down stairs to the kitchen. I put the bag of shit on the kitchen table and then I decided to make a cup of coffee. After all, it was only 8 in the morning and I was hung over. After my coffee I gathered my things, left my phone number on a post-it next to his phone and left. The second the door shut I gasped…I tried to open the door but it locked behind me. Peering in through the window I could see the bag of shit sitting there on the kitchen table. Needless to say, I never heard from that guy again.

ANNOUNCER:
This has been a presentation of EMBARASSING MOMENTS IN HISTORY!

Tune in next week when we hear from a man who farted into his lover’s mouth as she was giving him a rim job. Until then, good night everybody.

March 10, 2008 6:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Add Comment

new sketch on myspace.com

goto www.myspace.com/notyouraveragetalkshow and prepare to be sickend!!

December 18, 2007 9:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Add Comment

COPS on Sesame St.

“COPS” on Sesame Street

START WITH COPS MUSIC INTRO “BAD BOYS” SONG

CUT TO AN OFFICER DRIVING ALONG IN HIS POLICE CAR

7.58 PM WEST SESAME STREET

COP:
Hello boys and girls, my name is Officer Daniels. I’ve been on the Hensonville police department going on five years now. It’s a tough job, but at the end of the day it’s nice to know that you’ve made a difference in the world. Even if it’s just by one Muppet at a time.

CAMERAMAN:
Is it really a tough job patrolling Sesame St.?

DANIELS:
Oh yeah. It may be a beautiful day in the neighborhood but at night is when all hell breaks loose. Especially downtown.

POLICE RADIO:
Attention all units! We got a call of domestic violence at the residence of 218 W. Sesame Street apartment 6a, please respond over.

DANIELS:
This is car 54 responding.

POLICE RADIO:
Roger that 54, over and out.

THE CAMERAMAN FOLLOWS OFFICER DANIELS DOWN THE HALLWAY OF AN UPSCALE APARTMENT BUILDING. OFFICER DANIELS STOPS IN FRONT OF APT. 6A.

DANIELS:
You know, many people seem to think that Bert and Ernie are the resident gay couple on Sesame Street. But in life just as in police work, looks can be deceiving.

OFFICER DANIELS KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

DANIELS:
Hensonville police, open up!

THE DOOR OPENS UP AND THE SCIENTIST FROM THE MUPPET SHOW IS STANDING THERE IN A WHITE WIFEBEATER. BEEKER, HIS ASSISTANT, IS IN THE BACKGROUND SHAKING AND SNIVELING. OFFICER DANIELS NOTICES BEEKER HAS A BLACK EYE.

SCIENTIST:
What seems to be the problem officer?

DANIELS:
We received a call about a domestic violence situation to this address. Would you know anything about that?

SCIENTIST:
No, nothing at all officer. How about you Beeker?

BEEKER SHAKES HIS HEAD NO

DANIELS:
(To Beeker) Are you ok back there sir? Do you need some sort of assistance?

BEEKER:
(Shaking his head) Me me me. Me me me me me me me.

DANIELS:
Are you sure?

BEEKER:
(Nodding his head) Me me.

DANIELS:
All right then. I guess I’ll be on my way. You gentlemen try to have a pleasant evening.

SCIENTIST:
Oh we will officer. Don’t you worry about that.

THE SCIENTIST VIOLENTLY SLAMS THE DOOR CLOSED

DANIELS:
Sometimes all you can do is offer your help. If they don’t want it then there’s really nothing you could do. (Shaking his head) Pity.

CUT TO ANOTHER COP DRIVING ALONG IN HIS POLICE CAR

8.25 PM MIDTOWN

OFFICER SMITH:
We’re responding to a call about the possible location of an underground boxing club that we’ve been trying to locate over the last 6 months. We got a tip from one of our snitches that the club would be meeting tonight in the basement under Hooper’s store. We’re going to be joined by the Hensonville S.W.A.T. Team at the location.

CUT TO A DIMLY LIT BASEMENT. MUPPETS OF ALL SIZES AND COLORS ARE GATHERED IN A CIRCLE WHILE THE COUNT AND GROVER FIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

THE COUNT IS SMASHING GROVER’S FACE AGAINST THE CONCRETE.

THE COUNT:
One face smash, ah, ah, ah. Two face smashes, ah, ah, ah. Three face smashes, ah, ah, ahhhh!

GROVER TAPS OUT

A SHIRTLESS AND MUSCLE RIPPED ELMO BREAKS THEM UP AND HELPS GROVER TO HIS FEET. GROVER HAS A RIP IN IS HEAD THAT HAS STUFFING STICKING OUT FROM IT.

ELMO:
Good fight you two. Grover, get over to The Grouch for some stitches. (Addressing the crowd) Listen up! Elmo’s got something he wants to say. Elmo sees a lot of new faces here tonight which means a lot of you have been breaking the first two rules of Elmo’s Fight Club…

(SMASH) S.W.A.T. TEAM KICKS IN THE BASEMENT DOOR AND FILE INTO THE ROOM

SMITH:
Nobody move! You’re all under arrest!

ELMO:
Golly gee officers, thank god you are here.

SMITH:
Can it Elmo! You’re not gonna sweet talk your way out of this one. You’re going away for a long, long time. Take him away boys.

THE S.W.A.T. TEAM ROUNDS UP ALL THE MONSTERS AND LEADS THEM OUT. AS THEY LEAD ELMO AWAY HE SHOUTS TO OFFICER SMITH

ELMO:
That’s ok, I’ll be out on the street in an hour! And when I am, you’re dead! You hear me? Dead!!

SMITH:
What a shame. It’s never pretty to watch someone fall so far so fast. Let’s just hope he gets the help he needs.

CUT TO AN OFFICER WALKING THROUGH A PARK

10.44 FELATIO PARK

OFFICER JONES:
Tonight we’re on foot patrol here in Felatio Park. This is a popular hangout spot for young lovers who want to be alone. It’s usually pretty quite here and we pretty much leave the kids alone. But when someone, usually an older person, calls to complain then we step in and break things up.

OFFICER JONES APPROACHES A CAR WHERE A MAN IS SITTING IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT WHILE A FUZZY BLUE HEAD BOBS UP AND DOWN IN HIS LAP.

JONES:
(Tapping on the window) What’s going on in there?

THE MONSTER LEAPS OFF OF THE MAN AND THE MAN PUTS HIS JUNK AWAY

JONES:
Roll your window down please, sir.

THE MAN ROLLS DOWN HIS WINDOW AND THE OFFICER LOOKS IN

JONES:
Oh it’s you. Step out of the car please sir.

THE BLUE MONSTER GETS OUT AND THE OFFICER WALKS AROUND THE CAR TO HIM

JONES:
I thought I told you to stay clear of this place, Crack Monster. What are you doing, giving blowjobs for crack again?

CRACK MONSTER:
Crack, crack, must have crack!

JONES:
Why can’t you be more like your brother, Cookie?

CRACK MONSTER:
It’s not my fault! I was made this way! Crack, crack, give me crack!!

JONES:
This is your last warning Cracky. If I see you here again I WILL arrest you. Understand?

CRACK MONSTER NODS HIS HEAD

JONES:
All right, now beat it. (To the man) you too sir. Don’t let me catch you here again.

MAN:
You won’t officer.

THE MAN DRIVES AWAY

CUT TO OFFICER JONES WALKING TOWARD A RED CONVERTIBLE WITH THE TOP DOWN

JONES:
There seems to be a lot of raucous coming from this car, so I’m gonna check it out.

OFFICER JONES WALKS UP TO THE CAR AND IN THE BACKSEAT HE SPYS A COUPLE OF MUPPETS IN THE MISSIONARY POSITION. A PAIR OF PINK MUPPET LEGS AND HOVES UP IN THE AIR AND THE BACK SIDE OF A GREEN MUPPET HUMPING AWAY.

KERMIT:
Yeah, you like that don’t ya pig? Huh? Piggy like?

MS. PIGGY:
Oh yes Kermy, yes! Piggy like!

KERMIT:
Yeah, take that pig! Let me hear ya squeal pig! Squeal for me piggy!

MS. PIGGY:
Oh Kermy! Oh Kermy, I’m gonna…I’m gonna…SQUEEEEEEEAAALLL! SQUEEEEEAAALLL!!! SNORT, SNORT, SQUEEEEEAAALLL!!!!

KERMIT’S BODY FALLS LIMP ON TOP OF MS. PIGGY.

OFFICER JONES TAPS ON THE CAR

JONES:
Ok you two, party’s over. Get yourselves together and get going.

OFFICER JONES WALKS AWAY FROM THE SCENE

JONES:
Protocol dictates that we should break up the lude act as soon as we discover it, but we’ve learned the hard way not to disrupt Ms. Piggy while in the middle of doing her thing. Her wicked kung fu moves have put many a officer in the hospital. That was the reasoning behind waiting till they were finished. That, plus I kinda get off on watching. You’re gonna edit that last part out right? (The camera nods yes) Good.

ROLL END CREDITS AND SONG FOR COPS

December 8, 2007 6:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Add Comment

OUCH! MY ANUS!

A CAMERA SHOT OF A MAN FROM HIS STOMACH UP.

MAN:
Hi, do you have a sensitive anus? If you’re like me then that answer is yes. Do you find yourself suffering from itchy butthole at the most inopportune time? Do the toilet papers of today leave your rectum wrecked? Again, if you’re like me, then yes. Well tell your brown eye to cry no more! Thanks to OUCH! MY ANUS! Medicated Rectal Cream. Just take the improved slimmer and sleeker applicator (Holds up a not so slim chrome dildo) apply a generous amount of cream, drop your drawers (Drops his pants) and simply inseeeert…ahh…the…app..li…cator in your rec…tum, there we go. And juuust leave the applicator in overnight and…uhhh…before you know it all your anal…ailments will be a forgotten mmmmemory. (Gives a thumbs up)

ANNOUNCER:
Tell your brown eye to cry no more, with OUCH! MY ANUS! Medicated Rectal Cream.

December 3, 2007 7:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | Add Comment

The Great Lindell

Magician:
All righty, for my next trick I’m going to need an assistant from the audience. Any volunteers?

People in the audience raise their hands.

Magician:
You there sir, come on up here please.

Jay walks up onto the stage.

Magician:
What’s your name sir?

Jay:
James.

Magician:
Ok here’s what I would like you to do. Pick up that sledge hammer right there.

Jay picks up the sledge hammer.

Magician:
Now you’ll vouch for me that that is in deed a real sledge hammer?

Jay:
Yes sir it sure is.

Magician:
How much would you say it weighs?

Jay:
About three kilos.

Magician:
Right, now what I want you to do is when I say so I want you to hit me over the head with that three kilo sledge hammer, ok.

Jay:
Oh I don’t know. I don’t know if I feel comfortable with that.

Magician:
Don’t worry it’s perfectly safe. I’ve done this hundreds of times.

Jay:
Really?

Magician:
Actually no, this is the first time. But don’t worry, this is totally safe.

Jay:
Alright.

The magician does a little chant and then bends over at the waist.

Magician:
Ok James are you ready?

Jay:
I guess so.

Magician:
Ok, hit me.

Jay raises the hammer over his head and then brings it down directly on the magician head. (thud) the magician hits the floor and doesn’t make a move. Blood starts to puddle around his head. A woman from the front row screams. Paramedics swarm the scene and start shouting out orders to each other. Cut to Jay sitting in a hospital room at the magician’s bedside. Jay is totally distraught and scared that the magician, whose head is bandaged up, is going to die.

Jay:
I’m so sorry The Great Lindell. Please don’t die.

Days go by, then weeks and months. Jay never leaves The Great Lindell’s side. Then after about six months Jay is sitting in at the magician’s side reading him a book when all of a sudden the magician sits up in his bed scaring Jay.

JAY:
Oh my god! You’re awake!

Magician:
(Turning to Jay) Ta da!

End of sketch

October 29, 2007 5:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Add Comment

EROTIC MOVIE REVIEW

Rod:
Hello and welcome back to E.M.R. I’m Todd “The Rod” Johnson.

Big Willy:
And I’m “Big” Willy Purplehead. This week on Erotic Movie Review we’ll be taking a LONG, HARD look at Cum and Cummer.

Rod:
It takes from the Jim Carey hit Dumb and Dumber. It stars Jimmy Scrooowell and Mighty Joe Hung in the lead rolls. It also stars last year's Best Newcumer award winner Tawny “Hot Lips” Hullahan as Mary Shlongson.

B.W:
It’s an erotic comedy that’s both comical AND erotic. I gave it a big stiffy straight up.

Rod:
I agree B.W. This movie had me splitting my sides and filling my Kleenexes. I also gave it a big stiffy straight up.

BW:
The second movie we’re reviewing is Spider-Chick Does Manhattan.

Rod:
I didn’t really get this movie.

BW:
Me neither. I mean she’s supposed to be a super hero and all she does is swing around the city capturing guys in her vagina web to have sex with them. She doesn’t even fight any crimes. I mean come on.

Rod:
And you know guys it’s probably not a good idea to go into any dark places where you have to remove the cobwebs from the entrance, if you know what I mean. I did however enjoy the theme song.

BW:
Yea, that was catchy. I think we have it cued up so let's take a listen to it.

BW and Rod bob their heads to the old school Spider-Man theme music that plays with these lyrics:

Spider-Chick Spider-Chick
Can’t resist to suck a dick
Slings her web at horny guys
Catches dudes just like flies
Watch out! Here comes the Spider-Chick
Is she hot?
Listen Joe
She’s got nuclear camel toe
Put away your money
She’s not a whore
A hot orgasm is her reward
Watch out! Here comes the Spider-Chick
If you’re lucky
You’ll meet the Spider-Chiiiick!

BW:
The song was fun but the movie was lame. I give it a low and lazy, soggy doggy.

Rod:
I “cum”-ker.

Rod and BW laugh at what Rod had said.

BW:
That’s all the time we have for tonight.

Rod:
But we’ll see you again real soon.

BW:
Until then fellas, may all your money shots hit the spot.

Rod:
And if not, ladies keep your eyes closed.

Credits roll to funky porn music

October 25, 2007 7:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Add Comment

God is a bad parent

A FATHER IS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE DRINKING COFFEE AND READING THE NEWSPAPER WHEN HIS SON RUNS IN.

FREDRICK
Dad, dad!

LARS
Yes, son?

FREDRICK
Can I get a PSP?

LARS
What’s a PSP?

FREDRICK
A Playstation Portable. It plays music, movies and games!

LARS
Don’t you already have a Gameboy Advance?

FREDRICK
Yea but that sucks!

LARS
Sorry son but we just can’t afford it right now. You’ll just have to make do with what you have.

FREDRICK
I hate you! You suck!!

FREDRICK STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM SCREAMING. CUT TO NIGHT TIME AS LARS IS KNEELING AT HIS BEDSIDE PRAYING.

LARS
Dear God, please help me with my son Fredrick. I try to be a good father but he always flies off the handle and really seems to dislike me. What should I do? Amen.

CUT TO LARS SLEEPING IN HIS BED WHEN A SOFT LIGHT SLOWLY FADES IN UNTIL IT BECOMES SUPER INTENSE. IT IS SHINNING RIGHT ON LARS.

GOD
Psst. Psst! Psssst!!!

THE BED SHAKES VIOLENTLY AND LARS AWAKES

LARS
(Shielding his eyes) Jesus Christ!!

GOD
No it’s me…God.
LARS
God?

GOD
Yea, you know. The Supreme Being, The Almighty, The guy upstairs.

LARS LOOKS AT HIS ALARM CLOCK, IT READS 2:00.

LARS
It’s 2 a.m. What are you doing here? Did you come to give me some tips with my son?

GOD
Yea here’s a tip. STOP ASKING ME! I mean shit man.

LARS
Hey, you can’t swear.

GOD
Oh yea? HELL, SHIT, DAMN! What are you going to do about it?

LARS
Did you go through all the trouble of appearing before me and waking me up just to cuss me out?

GOD
Well…not JUST to cuss you out. I want to tell you to stop asking me for parenting advice. You think you have problems? Jesus hasn’t listened to me for over 2000 years. All I want is a little respect, and for him to get a hair cut and to put some pants on. Is that too much to ask for?

LARS
It’s not easy being a single parent.

GOD
You got that right brother.

LARS
Maybe he’s just upset over the whole “crucifixion” thing.

GOD
Hey, I would’ve stopped it if I could, but I couldn’t.

LARS
But your god.

GOD
That’s what he always says. But it had to be done. For the good of mankind.

LARS
(Under his breath) lot of good that did.

GOD
What!?

LARS
Umm, have you tried to do something nice for him?

GOD
I made him the freaking messiah. He’s worshipped by millions. What more does he want from me?

LARS
I don’t know, have you tried apologizing?

HARP MUSIC PLAYS AND THE LIGHT GETS A LITTLE BRIGHTER.

GOD
I’ll be right back.

THE LIGHTS DIM OUT

LARS OPENS THE NIGHT STAND NEXT TO HIS BED, PULLS OUT HIS BAG OF HASH AND THROWS IT IN THE WASTE BASKET. LARS LIES DOWN AGAIN. JUST AS HE GETS COMFORTABLE THE LIGHT SHINES ON HIM AGAIN.

LARS
God damn it!

GOD
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that

LARS
Sorry. So how did it go?

GOD
Great! He actually hugged me!

LARS
Is he going to cut his hair?

GOD
One thing at a time Lars, the universe wasn’t built in a day.

THEY SHARE A CHUCKLE

GOD
But seriously. I just wanted to thank you.

LARS
It was nothin’.

GOD
No, no I insist. Here.

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN APPEARS IN THE BED NEXT TO LARS

LARS
Who is this?

GOD
Your new wife. She is beautiful. She can cook and clean. She never refuses sex. And best of all…she’s a mute.

LARS
She’s perfect.

GOD
Damn straight. I’m God. What did you expect? Good-bye Lars (Fading out with the light) Oooooooooooo.

END OF SKETCH

October 4, 2007 6:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Add Comment

God appears on Not Your Average talkshow

HOST:
My next guest you all know as the creator of our universe. Give a great big welcome to Mr. All mighty himself, give it up for God ladies and gentlemen!

THE STUDIO LIGHTS GROW DIM AND A BRIGHT LIGHT SHINES DOWN ONTO THE EMPTY GUEST CHAIR.

HOST:
Hello God, are you there?

GOD:
Yes, I am here. I am everywhere.

HOST:
Hi god, it’s me, Lester Leroy Reichert Jr.

GOD:
I know who you are Lester.

HOST:
Cool. Welcome to the show God. It’s nice to have you.

GOD:
Thank you. It’s nice to be here.

HOST:
So God, how are you doing?

GOD:
Not well.

HOST:
Not well? Why is that?

GOD:
I’m bored.

HOST:
Bored? Bored of what?

GOD:
Everything. You know in the beginning there were dinosaurs. And they were fun for a while, but I soon became bored with them and had to kill them off.

HOST:
Wait, so you’re saying that you wiped out an entire race of living creatures just because you were bored?
GOD:
That’s right. I know it probably wasn’t the best decision, but keep in mind this was thousands of years ago. I was young and foolish. Plus I had decided to create man. And there was no way the two species could co-exist.

HOST:
Good point. And good choice by the way.

GOD:
Thank you.

HOST:
I’m almost afraid to ask, but what is it that bores you now?

GOD:
Humans.

HOST:
Oh crap.

GOD:
Yup.

HOST:
So what’s that mean? Are you going to kill off the whole human race?

GOD:
(Hesitantly) Eeeh, well, I wouldn’t say it like that, but yes.

HOST:
Jesus Christ.

GOD:
No, no, he had nothing to do with it.

HOST:
So what is it that bores you so much? Maybe we can do something about it.

GOD:
There’s nothing good for me to watch anymore. War, famine, disease, Mtv. It all sucks! Still think you can do something?

HOST:
Well I don't think anyone could do anything about Mtv. Music television my ass! But what about this show?

GOD:
Well I must admit I do love your show.

HOST:
There you go! If you destroyed human life, you’d have nothing to watch on Friday nights.

GOD:
Good point. Ok, I’ll tell you what. As long as your show in on the air, I won’t wipe out mankind. How’s that sound?

HOST:
You mean as long as this show doesn’t get cancelled life as we know it will continue?

GOD:
Yup.

HOST:
Sounds like a lot of pressure to tell you the truth. I mean I just recently quit smoking (Clears throat) crack and my nerves are already shot. I don't know if I can handle that much responsibility.

GOD:
Tough. You better handle it, or else.

HOST:
(Laughing nervously) Or else he says. Well I think that’s all the time we have today God. I want to thank you for stopping by and talking to us.

GOD:
My pleasure Gary.

HOST:
Lester.

GOD:
Whatever, Good bye.

HOST:
Good bye God, I’ll be seeing you.

GOD:
Don't bet on it.

September 22, 2007 8:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Add Comment

Yoda on Inside The Actors' Studio

JAMES LIPTON:
Hello and welcome to Inside The Actors’ Studio, I’m James Lipton. Today I’ll be talking with a very unique individual. He’s starred in 5 of the 6 Star Wars movies and is easily one of the most recognizable faces on the planet. His real name is Abraham Swartz, but you and I know him as Jedi Master Yoda. (Turning to Yoda) Welcome to the show Mr. Swartz.

YODA:
Thank you. A pleasure to be here it is.

JAMES:
Mr. Swartz, we of course know you as Yoda, but that is really all we know. So why not tell our audience a little about yourself. Give us a little history lesson if you could.

YODA:
Of course James. Well like you said earlier, Abraham Swartz my name is. 250 years old I am. Although been told have I that between 20 and 1000 years old I can play. Began acting at the tender age of 60 I did. Strictly theater in those days it was James. Not until The Empire Strikes back, the move to cinema did I make.

JAMES:
But you tried for many years before that to break into cinema is that right?

YODA:
Yes, yes. Over 5000 auditions went on I did. Catch a break I could not.

JAMES:
5000 auditions? Wow, that is staggering amount.

YODA:
Yes, but remember you must, since the days of the silent pictures trying I have been. But yes, many rejections my heart has endured. Both before and after Star Wars.

JAMES:
How so?

YODA:
Before Star Wars unknown and unproven was I. After Star Wars, type cast I became.

JAMES:
It just so happens that we have some of your old screen tests from your days before and also after Star Wars. Do you mind if we take a look?

YODA:
Not at all do I.

CUT TO SCREEN TEST WHERE YODA IS DRESSED LIKE CLARK GABLE IN GONE WITH THE WIND

YODA:
Frankly Scarlett, give a damn I do not.

CASTING DIRECTOR:
Thank you! Next!

SCREEN TEST #2: YODA IS DRESSED LIKE ROBERT DENIRO IN TAXI DRIVER

YODA:
Talking to me are you? Talking to me are you?

C.D.
Thank you, next!

SCREEN TEST #3: YODA IS DRESSED LIKE THE LITTLE GIRL FROM POLTERGIEST, COMPLETE WITH A LONG BLOND WIG

YODA:
Here they are.

C.D.
No, no, no, it’s “They’re heere”. It’s supposed to be eerie and scary. Try again.

YODA:
Heeeere theey arrre.

C.D.
Next!!

SCREEN TEST #4: YODA IS DRESSED LIKE INDIANA JONES. BEFORE HE EVEN SPEAKS THE CASTING DIRECTOR SHOUTS “NEXT!”

SCREEN TEST #5: YODA IS DRESSED LIKE PATRICK SWAYZE FROM DIRTY DANCING

YODA:
Baby in the corner, no one puts!

C.D.
Next!

YODA
Failed my agent I have. Into exile I must go.

JAMES:
Wow, I can’t believe you didn’t get any of those parts. I thought you were fantastic.

YODA:
Thank you for your kind words.

JAMES:
It must have been extremely difficult for you at times. Going through so much rejection. How did you deal with it all?

YODA:
Drugs. Drugs and dime store hookers.

JAMES:
Absolutely fascinating. (Into the camera) we’ll be right back with more Abraham Swartz after these commercial messages.

END OF SKETCH

September 20, 2007 6:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | Add Comment